It’s hard to imagine my life will be completely different a month from now.
A month from now, I’ll be living in a new place, with a new bed, new neighbors, new schedule, a new mode of transportation; an entirely new way of life.
A month from now, it’s a whole new chapter. It’s independence, freedom, opportunity, change of scene, almost 2,750 miles from my comfort zone — everything I’ve worked for, wanted, and never expected to have so soon. Just a few short weeks away. Time is relentless.
I should be… excited, right? Nervous? Frightened? Everyone always asks me, are you ready to do this? Do you have everything settled?
By zero means do I have everything settled; in fact, with luggages being packed and boxes getting filled to a foreign destination, I feel less than ready. Yet for some reason, I am okay with this. I am both deeply at peace and strangely unsettled. It’s like, there’s so much more to do, places and people to see, but the last thing I want is to rush these next few weeks. I just want to enjoy life with its ebbs and flows, the people and conversations that come forth from it, and savor. I may not have everything figured out, but I don’t need to. Life is still happening at its pace and I simply want to enjoy it.
“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to let our true selves be seen… Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see, and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.” – Dr. Brené Brown
Let’s be honest. At times, I wish I could skip all the messy parts — the packing and logistics, itty bitty details and monumental finances… even the heart-wrenching goodbyes — and just get on the plane. But humility, gratitude, and the boat-load of emotions I harbor say otherwise.
Like Dr. Brown said, showing up is already half the battle. Even when I want to just hole up in my room and avoid everything, showing up (without the masks) is a huge part. Being real about my anxieties, fears about moving to NY / being away from my family / my pending long distance relationship is another. These are things I’d rather not talk too in detail about — but they’re as real as it gets.
The biggest fear I have is, what if grad school and living in NY, two things I have prayed endlessly about and always wanted, doesn’t turn out to be what I expected? What if I risk (and lose) everything? What if I fail? What if I fly?
Sharing my heart, taking off my filters + masks, letting the real me be heard and seen… that’s authenticity.
Looking back at my recent life; at this community of creatives I can happily call my tribe, at the relationships I have struggled to build, and the opportunities for service/growth at the faith and professional-levels — looking back at all God has blessed me with, I can honestly say it’s hard to leave. Especially now.
But letting go is the other half of the battle. Surrendering fear, control, all the anxiety over uncertainty, all the people you love and have grown to love; and saying yes, fully, to His will. That’s faith.
Putting authenticity + faith together, that’s embracing courage. That’s letting the God who knows you deeply and loves you intimately, fill you with the courageousness you need to go forth and fight this battle, boldly where you are called.
A month from now, everything will change.
But no matter what happens, I’ll be ready.